Write about deliberate here.
A 9-table stimulated matrix vignette by J E D Cline on Monday, March 3, 2008 8:20:45 AM US/Pacific
Before I got out of bed this morning, I was sort of exploring the concept of "deliberate", particularly regarding somehow getting out of bed and get going with my day. At that time I decided to use this new experimental 9-table-vignette writing process to explore what was "deliberate" and then I got feet wiggling and hands moving and eventually got sat up. All that was deliberate, yet somehow the not getting up at first awakening seemed a bit not deliberate. Or was it? "Deliberate" seems to involve those things over which I have some influence. Actually the definition of "I" , or what is me and what is not me, gets involved with this too. Need to do one of these on "I" someday. For now, I seem to be that which is involved deciding the deliberate things. Other people are deliberate too, Squawk the parakeet in her cage right now is busy doing deliberate things that I did not choose, for another example. Deliberate, but not my deliberate. Other than my influence on Squawk's situation, putting her in her cage here next to computer, was deliberate on my part and thus provided certain options for her choices of her deliberate doings. So my deliberate stuff is intertwined with other's deliberate stuff. But more is involved, I sense. For example when I was awake but still in bed this morning, dawn's light in window, I was saying to myself, need to get up now. But no movement resulted. My proprioception indicated that I remained in same position, relaxed to a large extent; remembering that I had gotten up around 0400 hrs and got a duration zap going hand to hand and set the computer and earphones to do a de-stress audio and I had laid back down, and now it was dawn and I was more relaxed than most awakenings. That things would need to be done today by me, was dim in my awareness. I would have to do a lot before I could be sipping coffee, yet would need to get the ball rolling toward coffee to make it happen. I was remembering frontal headaches which make it really hard to plan things. No frontal headache this morning, but much of the foggy dim quality of planning if any at all was being done, remained. And I began to contemplate what "deliberate" was. "Planning" seems to be heavily involved with deliberate, yet not on a one-to-one basis. Seems that I do things deliberately, but the result is only approximately that which I had intended. In fact, that "approximate" nature of reality results, also seems an important factor, too. Part of that is the approximate nature of my awareness of the situation, environment, context, within which my deliberate doings are carried out. In fact, maybe that also applies to my inner component, the extensive part of me that is active below my conscious awareness, such as the coordination of my musculature involved in moving my hands and fingers and arms and back, and eyes and ears and touch sensations of fingertips against keyboard keys, only dimly perceived consciously even when paying attention to it all. Some muscles are tensed while simultaneously other muscles are relaxed, and just how much and with what other muscles to make a certain movement so as to observe my perception show something happened... all learned such as when learning to walk as a child, and now seems to be subroutines going on with only my deliberate initiation of the movements. Yet is not just "my" intentions ... there is another important parameter, surely, "intentions" ... "my intentions" in contrast to intentions of others. Just "saying to myself" "get up" does not necessarily result in my getting up. My emotions are involved too, and have a wide range of intensities; I mistrust my possible action resulting from my experiencing intense anger, which rarely results in life, but I have felt intense anger at a few times and did not take action as a result, therefore deliberate action resulting on my feeling anger was suppressed almost completely ... "almost" meaning probably my (weak) adrenaline got going and general stress level went way up internally, despite being immobilized physically. My great caution re not doing harmful things due to being angry intensely, seems to be an arena where the problem comes in, that maybe has spread to suppression of quite different, and non-destructive, activity. Is this all related to the phenomenon I have named "my inner saboteur"? Inner saboteur trips me up or erases items seeming just for mischief and no pattern otherwise that I can see. Other than that it usually results in advantage to other people who seem to rival me in something, as if they were the instigators, not me. "Deliberate" seems to be the selection among choices of responses. The "carrying out" of those responses proves to be only approximate, too. All those muscles coordinating, and the changing nature of the outer world - and inner world -- during the action, all contribute the observed results to some extent different from what I had directed to happen by my deliberate intention's response. "Being a vegetable" seems to be the lack of "deliberate" yet maybe the vegetable, like a carrot, has a level of deliberate, its life force activity going on. There must be a spectrum of "deliberate" albeit an uneven spectrum, maybe made up of many levels or arenas of purposeful activity. Where does "deliberate" end and something else begin? Some attitudes about the universe say that everything is conscious, even the rocks; yet the quality of the consciousness is different between say the rock and myself. Then one can get engrossed in defining what consciousness is. Similarly the defining of what deliberate is. Has anything been resolved in this creative writing process re "deliberate"? Well, I have indeed achieved my decision to use this process tool to explore what "deliberate" is. Although checking on the 9-table above, I notice I have not explored "opening to a wide view" nor "designing in imagination", both very important associations to "deliberate" perhaps because the arenas both tend to involve visual modes. It would be nice if the visual creative mode could be implemented in such vignettes, although the 9-table is a form of graphic intended to grasp a bit of a wider view. And some of my above writing involved a bit of visual designing such as in describing activity of musculature in doing physical movement. So, I have indeed gotten out of bed and got going on my day, although this writing is far longer than expected. Yes, the concept of "deliberate" has indeed been explored here, and found a range of possible exploration quite expansive for further exploration.
Copyright © 2008 James E. D. Cline. Permission granted to reproduce providing inclusion of a link back to this site and acknowledgment of the author and concept designer James E. D. Cline.